i just deleted 400+ posts of mine from this blog. it felt so wrong, but it felt so right. though, i must admit that it was a little sad that i ended up deleting all of my posts from college (fresh-senior year, memories, hello!). i just want this blog to jive with the here and now and didn’t want to start a new blog (lazy, yes i know). i don’t even know if anybody reads this anymore? if at best, i want this to be an online journal of my personal ramblings and revelations. so, phew..here comes my first one from the here and now…
december fifth, 2013.
2013 flew by like no other. the past few months have felt like a blur, a real blur and slightly confused by how time has been passing by so quick. the past few months have also been one of the most tedious journeys i’ve been on so far marked first with complacency, then negativity, then grace, and now freedom.
i came to new york eager and aggressive with a goal to succeed here in the fashion industry. i came to new york to reinvent myself and finally break down the walls that i carried with me in north carolina. i came to new york to find new friends and places that would encourage and inspire me. i came to new york to maybe finally find a man and a relationship that would satisfy that companionship that i had been craving for so long.
news flash: all of these things are still a work in progress.
my job situation is far from ideal, from interning for the first eight months and now freelancing for the latter 11 months since i’ve been here. please don’t get me wrong, i am so, extremely grateful for always having a paycheck and working for some of the most reputable fashion companies in the world, but to be frank, things just haven’t gone my way. at the peak of my job happiness at club monaco in the summer, it was knowingly and unknowingly taken away, which resulted in job heartbrokenness. which led to a second stint at
one of the worst fashion environments in the world reed krakoff and now at john varvatos. none full time, floating here & there—the farthest thing i imagined for myself when i moved here.
i moved to new york thinking that i could finally break down the walls that i carried with me so much in north carolina. i thought when i moved here, i could become more vulnerable, more confident. some of these things have happened, but even till a couple of months ago i was still dealing with the same problems over and over again. i was still blaming other people for not speaking enough positive words in my life. i was still blaming other people for not instilling confidence into who i was when i was growing up. i was blaming other people for not nurturing me into the amazing person that i COULD HAVE BEEN.
this was also known as: i have issues, don’t we all?
newsflash #2: the biggest problem with me was me, but i didn’t realize that until a couple of months ago, if you couldn’t tell. i am my own worst enemy.
newsflash #3: i am ahmazing. i was just believing too many lies and not seeing the potential in myself.
i moved to new york feeling that i can finally date and find a boyfriend. dates have happened, boyfriends have not.
newsflash #4: this is an ongoing process…
man, i have been hating on new york the last few paragraphs. let me remind you: I LOVE NEW YORK, it’s awesome. however, it’s hard.
i was looking to new york and new, exciting opportunities to fix me. man, i can’t even fix myself!
which leads me to my overtly, overdue point: only jesus can fix and heal this hot mess sitting here in her bed alone on a thursday night writing an extremely long blog post on tumblr.
complacency kills. i have been complacent after august about many things.
dreams have slightly died in my heart as things didn’t turn out my way.
i have slightly given up on finding a boyfriend anytime soon as i realized nothing about me has changed after college and started really believing the LIES the devil loves to tell: you haven’t lost any weight, you’ve actually gained a few, “WHO GONNA LIKE DAT?”, your personality kind of sucks, and you’re very unconfident and nobody like dat either. these are LIES, LIES, LIES. don’t believe that ugly, disgusting red spawn with a pitchfork in the gates of hell. he’s absolutely the worst. i mean even jesus says beware of what that spawn will tell you:
ephesians 6: 13-18:
“Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare.Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters.”
i wasn’t prepared.
one among many things about new york that i love is that it has tested me in many ways. it’s tested me to know more about my faith and delve into it as i have gotten DESPERATE to know what’s real and what’s not and i have got to say, that Jesus fellow is pure G O L D. i am also so very thankful that i have found a community that has loved, supported my journey thus far.
i have gotten so desperate in the past couple of months to figure out what is truth after listening to SO many lies, to figure out what is good and holy, what is RIGHT. i have slightly become that Jesus freak that i was so afraid to become in college after seeing some freaky Jesus freaks, but i have understood why they are Jesus freaks, he’s SO good.
after trying to fix my own problems and try to receive grace, I CAN NOT FIX MYSELF NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY. only through receiving grace and accepting that jesus has it all figured out and trusting and believing in it can i really find FREEDOM. only then can i find room to breathe not worrying about my future or dwelling in my past.
"in their hearts humans plan their course,
but the Lord establishes their steps.”
1 peter 5:6
"so be content with you who are, and don’t put on airs. God’s strong hand is on you; he’ll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you."
"God, the one and only—I’ll wait as long as he says. Everything I need comes from him, so why not? He’s solid rock under my feet, breathing room for my soul, An impregnable castle: I AM SET FOR LIFE."
i can plan all i want, but he provides the way to i need to go. boom.
insecurity and lies:
psalm 27: 1-4
"the Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid? When the wicked advance against me to devour me, it is my enemies and my foes who will stumble and fall. Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then I will be confident. One thing I may ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple."
i want to be findable for my future husband and to be findable i want to strive to become like the infamous prov. 31 woman, not because it’s so warm and fluffy, but because proverbs 31 says:
"…a good woman is hard to find and worth far more than diamonds…her husband trusts her without reserve and never has reason to regret it…"
I WANT TO BE WORTH FAR MORE THAN DIAMONDS. I WANT MY FUTURE HUSBAND TO TRUST ME IN THAT WAY. enough said.
ok, i’ll end it here. i think i’ve definitely said enough.
i, in no way, want to give anyone the feeling that i have it altogether now, because i don’t. i’m still a mess. i’ve just finally understood the grace that i have been given and the freedom in which i can live, which is so, so beautiful and exciting. i am still a work in progress.
i also hope you don’t think im a freak.
but, i also don’t think i care anymore. :)