one of my greatest fears is that i will always submit to the standard of others rather than submitting to the standard already created by my perfect creator.
It’s so easy! After all, from the time you’re born, and then throughout life, you’re put in a box. You’re defined by your family of origin, address, education, experience, bank account, credit rating, employer, friends, race, and ethnicity. You’re called one thing after another: poor, spoiled, uneducated, inexperienced, young, old, troublemaker, and shy. You can allow those words and labels to limit you. A teacher, parent, colleague, or ex can call you loser, fat, ugly, and hopeless — and those labels can stick, can hurt, can damage you because you start to believe them.
Remember that old saying, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me?” That thought may help you keep a resilient will, but it’s not true about the heart. You can be hurt plenty by labels like stupid, ignorant, alcoholic, addict, criminal, weak, pitiful. Names like these can break your spirit as much as physical sticks and stones can whack your body — especially if you believe them and begin to use them on yourself. You can be brought to your knees, stopped by life before you even get started. Even when those names reveal something true about you, they are at best a partial truth — as well as a misleading one. If you allow those labels to loom larger in your heart and mind than the promises of God, they can fool you into missing God’s truth about who you are, into not pursuing the purpose God has had in mind for you from the beginning of time.
—Undaunted (Christine Caine) pg. 45
three risks that i need to take in 2014 (in no particular order):
1) no sugar till B R O O K L Y N
guys, i love sugar. i dream about desserts. as i am writing this, there is a krispy kreme doughnut in my kitchen that is S C R E A M I N G my name! however, as my thighs have continued to bloat sideways in both directions, i think it is time to do something about my sugar habit. i am convinced sugar is the number one reason i am staying pleasantly plump. so, as i am now committed to no sugar for 7 days (until the move to BK); the doughnut that was crying out to me this morning was rejected as i said NO and continued to eat my steamed goguma and down my green juice.
this may seem like an easy task for many of you, but for someone that craves froyo and doughnuts on an hourly basis i ask that you please keep me in your prayers.
risk: i might die of intense sugar cravings.
2) move more
for some reason, i don’t really like to move. this can also be directly related to why i stay pleasantly plump.
move more = go to the gym more, walk instead of subway/cab (THIS IS HARD DURING THE WINTER!), clean my apt more, etc
risk: i guess there is no risk to this one.
3) stop being such a scaredy cat
take more risks. reach out to more people. go on more dates. apply to the jobs even though you don’t feel qualified (within reason, of course)
just do it liz, just do it.
risk: rejection, feeling of failure, lower self-esteem, dip in confidence
however, i was made to conquer all of these things.
i was made for this.
i don’t know why, but i am starting to fall in love with writing on this tumblr blog all over again. i am by no means a very articulate or even good writer, and i think a lot of my friends or anybody who reads this can attest to that.
but, i find a lot of freedom in writing about what im thinking these days. sure, most of it’s kind of heavy and faith related, but whatever! i love tumblr for this exact reason; i can spew it all out on here! i also am loving reading my friend’s blog posts on here too (hannah, jlee, jhee), i guess we’re all kinda sorta on the same page!
yesterday, i wrote about doing the small things right as one of the things i felt most convicted about this year. i have many small convictions, but if we’re talking about big picture for the whole year that will hopefully spill into my whole life, there are only two main ones that i am focused on right now. like i mentioned before, the first one was doing the small things right and being diligent…
…the second one is to live fearlessly this year. towards the end of last year, i just felt like God was telling me that He doesn’t give His children a spirit of timidity, so why am i living half the time fearful or scared of certain things or situations?
2 Timothy 1:7 sums it up best:
"For God does not give us a spirit of timidity, but one of power, love, and self-discipline."
which is also known as one of my bible verse anthems for this year.
time to reawaken dreams and passions and create situations for myself that i couldn’t have before due to being fearful. i don’t think it’s going to be easy at all, but nothing worth having comes easy, right?!
also, i dont know what it is, but im feeling extra grateful for all my friends, near and far. i may not have 100000 friends, but they sure are top notch, next level people! just felt like i also had to say that.
that is all.
"do the small things right, and the rest will follow."
…is what i heard from one of my favorite podcasts at the very beginning of this year as everybody was talking about goals and resolutions as we begin 2014.
that phrase at the top is i phrase i hear sometimes. i mean, it’s definitely not something new or monumental or something i haven’t heard before. however, as we are now in the seventh day of the new year, it is a phrase that is running through my head DAILY as i embark on 2014.
you see, i’m not really good at the small things. to be honest, i don’t really like being diligent. i want big things and i want them fast. if im being very honest, i want things to be perfect without TOO much effort. i mean, who doesn’t?
for example, even when it comes to cleaning my room, it may appear clean, but soon enough you will find that there are clothes stuffed into the corner or into the dresser to give the outward appearance of “MY ROOM IS CLEAN!” until you just pull those clothes out of the corner and realize your room is messy again. you could say that’s also a sign of pure laziness, but i say it’s because im just not good at the small things.
how about something a little more relatable, i want a full-time job, i need a full-time job, you see? more than that, i need a job so that i can make money, which will pay for my rent. last year, as i worked at a couple of jobs that i didn’t want, i.e reed krakoff for the 2nd time, i realized that i didn’t even do the small things right because i was too busy focusing on how i could get a bigger position at a better company. i felt like i was too good for what i was doing! if i looked back on it now, i would have given myself a reality check—i wasn’t there to remind them of how much i had improved or how i felt so overqualified. i was called to be diligent and do the job right, no matter how minute the task! now, when i think back i feel ashamed of the way i acted sometimes.
i guess the point is, more than anything, i feel really convicted that if i just happen to the do small things right, then maybe, just maybe, the big things may cross my path.
i want to be that person that chooses to still praise God even when my circumstances tell me otherwise because i want to choose to have joy over pain and faith over disbelief knowing that He stands before any of my trials AND celebrations.
also, that is one major run-on sentence.
2013 was teachable.
2014, be purposeful and filled with favor.
i truly believe the best is yet to come. here’s to onward looking and not to past dwelling.
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after only going to korean churches that were overtly religious and focused on legalism so much, i absolutely love that the message of the gospel and jesus is the heart of my church here in new york city and the very thing my pastor is so passionate about.
click to check out this interview with my pastor, carl lentz. you won’t regret it.
i just deleted 400+ posts of mine from this blog. it felt so wrong, but it felt so right. though, i must admit that it was a little sad that i ended up deleting all of my posts from college (fresh-senior year, memories, hello!). i just want this blog to jive with the here and now and didn’t want to start a new blog (lazy, yes i know). i don’t even know if anybody reads this anymore? if at best, i want this to be an online journal of my personal ramblings and revelations. so, phew..here comes my first one from the here and now…
december fifth, 2013.
2013 flew by like no other. the past few months have felt like a blur, a real blur and slightly confused by how time has been passing by so quick. the past few months have also been one of the most tedious journeys i’ve been on so far marked first with complacency, then negativity, then grace, and now freedom.
i came to new york eager and aggressive with a goal to succeed here in the fashion industry. i came to new york to reinvent myself and finally break down the walls that i carried with me in north carolina. i came to new york to find new friends and places that would encourage and inspire me. i came to new york to maybe finally find a man and a relationship that would satisfy that companionship that i had been craving for so long.
news flash: all of these things are still a work in progress.
my job situation is far from ideal, from interning for the first eight months and now freelancing for the latter 11 months since i’ve been here. please don’t get me wrong, i am so, extremely grateful for always having a paycheck and working for some of the most reputable fashion companies in the world, but to be frank, things just haven’t gone my way. at the peak of my job happiness at club monaco in the summer, it was knowingly and unknowingly taken away, which resulted in job heartbrokenness. which led to a second stint at
one of the worst fashion environments in the world reed krakoff and now at john varvatos. none full time, floating here & there—the farthest thing i imagined for myself when i moved here.
i moved to new york thinking that i could finally break down the walls that i carried with me so much in north carolina. i thought when i moved here, i could become more vulnerable, more confident. some of these things have happened, but even till a couple of months ago i was still dealing with the same problems over and over again. i was still blaming other people for not speaking enough positive words in my life. i was still blaming other people for not instilling confidence into who i was when i was growing up. i was blaming other people for not nurturing me into the amazing person that i COULD HAVE BEEN.
this was also known as: i have issues, don’t we all?
newsflash #2: the biggest problem with me was me, but i didn’t realize that until a couple of months ago, if you couldn’t tell. i am my own worst enemy.
newsflash #3: i am ahmazing. i was just believing too many lies and not seeing the potential in myself.
i moved to new york feeling that i can finally date and find a boyfriend. dates have happened, boyfriends have not.
newsflash #4: this is an ongoing process…
man, i have been hating on new york the last few paragraphs. let me remind you: I LOVE NEW YORK, it’s awesome. however, it’s hard.
i was looking to new york and new, exciting opportunities to fix me. man, i can’t even fix myself!
which leads me to my overtly, overdue point: only jesus can fix and heal this hot mess sitting here in her bed alone on a thursday night writing an extremely long blog post on tumblr.
complacency kills. i have been complacent after august about many things.
dreams have slightly died in my heart as things didn’t turn out my way.
i have slightly given up on finding a boyfriend anytime soon as i realized nothing about me has changed after college and started really believing the LIES the devil loves to tell: you haven’t lost any weight, you’ve actually gained a few, “WHO GONNA LIKE DAT?”, your personality kind of sucks, and you’re very unconfident and nobody like dat either. these are LIES, LIES, LIES. don’t believe that ugly, disgusting red spawn with a pitchfork in the gates of hell. he’s absolutely the worst. i mean even jesus says beware of what that spawn will tell you:
ephesians 6: 13-18:
“Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare.Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters.”
i wasn’t prepared.
one among many things about new york that i love is that it has tested me in many ways. it’s tested me to know more about my faith and delve into it as i have gotten DESPERATE to know what’s real and what’s not and i have got to say, that Jesus fellow is pure G O L D. i am also so very thankful that i have found a community that has loved, supported my journey thus far.
i have gotten so desperate in the past couple of months to figure out what is truth after listening to SO many lies, to figure out what is good and holy, what is RIGHT. i have slightly become that Jesus freak that i was so afraid to become in college after seeing some freaky Jesus freaks, but i have understood why they are Jesus freaks, he’s SO good.
after trying to fix my own problems and try to receive grace, I CAN NOT FIX MYSELF NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY. only through receiving grace and accepting that jesus has it all figured out and trusting and believing in it can i really find FREEDOM. only then can i find room to breathe not worrying about my future or dwelling in my past.
"in their hearts humans plan their course,
but the Lord establishes their steps.”
1 peter 5:6
"so be content with you who are, and don’t put on airs. God’s strong hand is on you; he’ll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you."
"God, the one and only—I’ll wait as long as he says. Everything I need comes from him, so why not? He’s solid rock under my feet, breathing room for my soul, An impregnable castle: I AM SET FOR LIFE."
i can plan all i want, but he provides the way to i need to go. boom.
insecurity and lies:
psalm 27: 1-4
"the Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid? When the wicked advance against me to devour me, it is my enemies and my foes who will stumble and fall. Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then I will be confident. One thing I may ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple."
i want to be findable for my future husband and to be findable i want to strive to become like the infamous prov. 31 woman, not because it’s so warm and fluffy, but because proverbs 31 says:
"…a good woman is hard to find and worth far more than diamonds…her husband trusts her without reserve and never has reason to regret it…"
I WANT TO BE WORTH FAR MORE THAN DIAMONDS. I WANT MY FUTURE HUSBAND TO TRUST ME IN THAT WAY. enough said.
ok, i’ll end it here. i think i’ve definitely said enough.
i, in no way, want to give anyone the feeling that i have it altogether now, because i don’t. i’m still a mess. i’ve just finally understood the grace that i have been given and the freedom in which i can live, which is so, so beautiful and exciting. i am still a work in progress.
i also hope you don’t think im a freak.
but, i also don’t think i care anymore. :)
i will stay should the world by me fold
lift up your name as the darkness falls
i will wait and hold fast on your word
heart on your heart and my eyes on yours
this song. these lyrics. wrecks me.